Movie review rant 2015

[nanoboy]

{Note from mods - thread continued from here: Movie review rant 2014}



The Expendables 3 - 6/10

I'll leave Chlidonias to write a much more exciting review when he sees the movie in about 5 years. If you liked the first two movies, then you should enjoy this one as well. Self-deprecating jokes abound , for example, when they rescue a strait-jacketed Wesley Snipes from a maximum security prison, he claims that he was incarcerated for tax evasion.

There are 80's and 90's stars aplenty including Stallone, Schwarzenneger, Snipes, Lundren, Jet Li, Antonio Banderas, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Harrison Ford, Kelsey Gramer, Mel Gibson and Jason Statham. They introduced a new, unknown cast of young and upcoming 'expendables', who I assume are MMA fighters or wrestlers - I didn't recognise anyone. Look, just go rent the movie - you could do worse.

And for all you Dolph Lundgren haters, let me remind you that Dolph is educated as follows (which I only just read about ):
- Undergrad in Chemistry from Washington State
- Another undergrad in Chemical Engineering from Stockholm
- A Masters in Chemical Engineering from Sydney
- A Fulbright Scholarship to MIT (which he turned down in favour of being a bodyguard/boy toy)
And there you have it kids: school's for fools.

 

[zooboy28]

What We Do In The Shadows

This mockumentry-style comedy film follows the lives of a group of vampires flatting together in central Wellington, the capital city of New Zealand. And the issues they have, which range from who's turn it is to do the dishes to dealing with a gang of werewolves. It was released in NZ (not sure where else), and its out on DVD there now, and in Australia too I think. According to wikipedia it is due to be released there next month.

I watched it over Christmas, and it was just too funny. It has some well-known Kiwi actors, and plenty of black comedy. It was probably the best new movie I saw in 2014.

Rating 9/10.

I strongly recommend you watch the trailer (and the whole film!):https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAZEWtyhpes

 

[Hix]

The Imitation Game

Many years ago a zookeeper - originally from Britain - loaned me a book about the Enigma Cypher device. It covered some of the goings on at Bletchley Park, and dealt with Ultra, the Enigma machine itself in detail, and breaking the enigma codes. A part of this focused on Alan Turing, the mathematical genius who is credited with leading the team of codebreakers, and who built the world's first computer.

So I was looking forward to The Imitation Game, which is about Turing's life both before and after the war, up until his death. But the main body of the film centres around his time in Bletchley Park, building his machine to crack Enigma.

I was not too happy with the jumping timeframes (the movie starts in the 50's with Turing the police investigating a burglary at Turing's home, and when he is later arrested he tells the story of what he did in the war, with flashbacks to his time in boarding school). It's a nice vehicle to tell a story, but it can be a little confusing at times.

I'm sure there was some license taken in making the movie - many of the characters were real but I'm sure some characters and events were fictional in order to make the story more interesting. One character that I thought was created in order to generate some conflict within Hut 8 was John Cairncross, but he was actually a real person, working for the Russians, and we now know was the fifth member of the infamous Cambridge 5.

Overall I found it to be a great movie with some very good acting by Benedict Cumberbatch, evidenced by his nomination for an Academy Award. The movie also has seven other nominations, including Best Movie, Best Director for Morten Tyldum, and Best Supporting Actress for Keira Knightley.

8.5/10



Hix

 

[nanoboy]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - 6/10

I remember watching the cartoons and movie in the 80's and early 90's and thoroughly enjoyed them then, mainly because I was a young teen, and fighting ninjas were appealing. This 2014 was produced by Michael Bay, so you pretty much know what to expect: a silly story, big explosions, excellent CGI/special effects, plus eye candy. As long as you keep this in mind, then you will not be disappointed. I think that if were a tween, I would really enjoy this movie, so I am giving this 4/10 for adults and 8/10 for tweens, averaged to 6/10. Watch it in the airport lounge if your flight has been delayed for a few hours and there is no way to change the channel.

 

[Chlidonias]

Looper

Interesting concept, and some great special effects. I wasn't too thrilled with what 2044 looked like, but it didn't really detract from the storyline. As welll as Bruce Willis it also stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt (whom I've never heard of), Emily Blunt, and some brief appearances by Jeff Daniels and Piper Perabo. There's also a kid - Pierce Gagnon - who is pretty good for his age.

I liked it, and if you like sci-fi, especially with a time-travel element, you'll probably enjoy this (although the time-travel concept is fairly basic if you're used to the non-linear variability of temporal mechanics explored in the Star Trek franchise).

I saw Looper on tv the other night and it was really good. It isn't a movie you should try to work out while watching it, and you definitely shouldn't think about it afterwards because it makes no sense, but if you just accept it as it is then it is very enjoyable. Joseph Gordon-Levitt's Bruce Willis prosthetics were more distracting than anything although he did get the smirk down quite well. The most amazing acting in the movie however was from the little boy, as cute and innocent as a baby Mountain Tapir in one scene and then evil incarnate in the next. How the heck they got him to do it I have no idea.

 

[Chlidonias]

The Interview
This comedy is going to make quite a bit of money I reckon, solely due to people going to see it for no other reason than curiosity over the hype (or, more likely, it will be much-watched but make very little money because everyone is just going to download it off the internet and watch it for free). Basically the plot is about a moronic tv talk-show host who fumbles his way into getting an interview with North Korea's president Kim Jong-Un and the US government using the opportunity to arrange the president's assassination. I really expected this movie to be fairly pedestrian, probably even rubbish, but it is actually very funny. It is, however, the kind of comedy with a lot of sexual material (but no nudity) so whether you would think it funny depends on how you like that sort of thing. For myself, I don't find every movie like that funny - it depends on how well it is handled, which actors are in it, etc - but this one I did like. The movie isn't exactly subtle, especially with the gay undercurrent, but neither is it a gross-out style movie. I can see it being a movie that you either love or hate (say, a tamer version of Borat. Except funny).

 

[Chlidonias]

The Pirates! Band of Misfits

Every single Zoochatter should watch this animated movie (that is, not every Zoochatter who is single, but every single Zoochatter, if you see what I mean. Although one of the characters is played by Salma Hayek and there is another one who is - cover your eyes CGSwans - a mermaid, so it wouldn't hurt if you were single I suppose. There's a chimp too, if for some reason you don't like either of those previous two).

Anyway, animated pirate movies might not normally be required viewing for Zoochatters but this one involves not only pirates but also a veritable treasure chest of zoological jokes. One of the main characters is none other than that conniving scoundrel Charles Darwin (voiced by David Tennant!!!). I watched the movie on tv unfortunately, so get it on DVD because I was forever wanting to pause or rewind to pick up gags I missed or to see what that interesting thing in the background was. Keep an eye out for the Great Auk, for example.

It also goes under the title "The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists!"

To paraphrase Automan, on a scale of one to ten think of this one as an eleven.

 

[Chlidonias]

Taken 2

I quite liked the first movie in this series (er, called Taken) but this one is hilariously bad and the fault lies squarely on Liam Neeson's grandpa shoulders. Chase scenes involve Liam lurching down the street like an arthritic zombie while the person he is chasing/escaping is sprinting along like, well like someone who isn't seventy years old. The fight scenes are appalling compositions of single shots of Liam landing a blow with all the speed and ferocity of a dozing marmot, interspersed with rapid-action shots of a stuntman cunningly shot only from the neck down. Now there's nothing wrong with getting old - I'm getting old myself and one day even I won't be able to fight off Albanian gangsters believably - but seriously, just let him die already! The dude looked like he was having a heart attack in every scene he was in! Have some pity for God's sake!

There are so many moments to mock in this movie, from the way the gangsters patiently let him finish his phone-call whilst kidnapping him, through to the way he just leaves his dying (ex-)wife in the gang headquarters as if expecting that would end well, through to the way he bombards his daughter while she's driving an escape-taxi with "Go.Go.Go.Go.Don'tStop.Go.Go.Go.KeepGoing.Go.Go. Don'tStop.Go.Go.Go" - did he think she would suddenly forget they were being chased and pull over for a tea-break?

If you haven't seen this yet, don't bother. Go rent Darkman 3: Die Darkman Die instead. It isn't any better but it has a cooler title.

p.s. I know there is a third installment of the franchise which was recently released. I haven't seen it but I can only assume that all the scenes with Liam Neeson involve him just sitting in a chair or taking a nap. Or "taken" a nap.....

 

[nanoboy]

I am looking forward to Taken 3. I love the way she was throwing grenades around Istanbul to triangulate his location.

 

[Hix]

In my opinion, Taken 3 was better than Taken 2.



Hix

 

[PAT]

I am looking forward to Taken 3. I love the way she was throwing grenades around Istanbul to triangulate his location.

I saw a joke on the internet regarding the next volume in this series.

Taken 4: Granted
"Liam Neeson spirals into an existential crisis when no one appreciates his efforts to save his family"

 

[Batto]

I'm surprised that Chlidonias or other NZ members haven't mentioned the splendid NZ horror comedy mockumentary movie "What we do in the shadows" about four vampires sharing a flat in a suburb of Wellington and encountering domestic(ated) werewolves, zombies, uninviting bouncers, ex-girlfriends and other monsters yet.

I watched it pretty much on my own in a Berlin backyard cinema shortly before midnight a few months ago and had quite a blast doing so.

It makes me wonder why NZ excels at making horror comedies such as this, BlackSheep or Peter Jackson's quirky beginnings.

8 swearwolves out of 10.

 

[zooboy28]

I'm surprised that Chlidonias or other NZ members haven't mentioned the splendid NZ horror comedy mockumentary movie "What we do in the shadows" about four vampires sharing a flat in a suburb of Wellington and encountering domestic(ated) werewolves, zombies, uninviting bouncers, ex-girlfriends and other monsters yet.

I watched it pretty much on my own in a Berlin backyard cinema shortly before midnight a few months ago and had quite a blast doing so.

It makes me wonder why NZ excels at making horror comedies such as this, BlackSheep or Peter Jackson's quirky beginnings.

8 swearwolves out of 10.

If you just look at the second post on this very page...

It is brilliant, and I have no idea why NZ films of this genre are so good - but they really are.

 

[Batto]

Ah, my bad. Thanks for the correction.

Maybe it's the mix of British humor parentage and the island life that distills such high comedic value. One way or another: please, NZ, produce more of such kind.

 

[DDcorvus]

I saw a joke on the internet regarding the next volume in this series.

Taken 4: Granted
"Liam Neeson spirals into an existential crisis when no one appreciates his efforts to save his family"

I am afraid they will keep going with Taken till Liam Neeson killed every single Albanian or they finally kill him.

And Chlidonias I really loved Pirates! Although I had no other option as I was stuck in a hotelroom and there was no other English-speaking channel to chose from.

 

[Chlidonias]

Spirited Away

Japanese animated movies are the best, especially when they're creepy mind-altering kids' movies which appear to have been created by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum. That is all the review this movie needs. Go rent it and watch it.

 

[Macaw16]

Shaun The Sheep Movie
On of the greatest movies of all time. The is no talking in it but still a emotional rollercoaster, if you are not crying at the end than you must lack emotions. I love the TV series with all my heart so this is the ultimate sheep related movie!

Rating: 10/10

 

[nanoboy]

Let's see now, what did I watch recently...

Snow Piercer - 8/10
I really enjoyed this movie because I viewed it as an allegorical (rather than a literal) imagination of a post-apocalyptic world, and there were some epic fight scenes. I only realised that the protagonist was Captain America (his face was hidden under a thick beard) at the end of the movie, which adds another point to its rating. Rent it.

Rock of Ages - 8/10
I saw the stage musical a few years ago and loved it. It took me a few years to see the screen adaptation, and I wasn't disappointed. Tom Cruise played the role of a weird, aging rocker very well, and Juliette Hough (from Dancing with the Stars) did an excellent job in what I believe was her break-out role. But let's be honest: the movie was all about the 80s rock anthems that many of us grew up listening to. I was singing along to every tune, so it's a good thing I watched this at home rather than in the cinema. Definitely rent it if you love 80s rock.

Sin City 2 - 7/10
If you enjoyed the first one, then you'll enjoy this one. If you're not a fan, don't bother. I like movies with intersecting yet independent stories though.

Pawn Shop Chronicles - 6/10
Speaking of intersecting stories, you will be attracted to this movie if you enjoyed Pulp Fiction, but will be disappointed if you enjoyed Pulp Fiction. According to IMDB, it's "An anthology of stories involving meth addicted white supremacists, a man looking for his kidnapped wife, and an Elvis impersonator." The thread that binds them all, is that the three stories start off with the protagonists trying to buy or sell something in the same pawn shop in Hicksville. Stars included Matt Dillon, Elijah Wood, Brendan Fraser and Paul Walker, but they couldn't save it for me. My issue with this movie was that it wasn't sure what genre it was - there were some elements of comedy, but the movie quickly took a very dark turn with some disturbing torture and captive female scenes, followed by a hint of the supernatural which just didn't make any sense. Watch this movie if it's on TV, but don't bother renting it. (I bought the BluRay for $5 and I will hopefully get $2.50 when I resell it.)

John Wick - 7/10
A man's beloved dog gets killed in an unprovoked home invasion, and unfortunately for the dog-killers, the man (Keanu Reeves) happens to be a retired hitman, or as one of the mob bosses says "he's the man you send to kill the bogeyman". The movie is, of course, quite formulaic, but it's a riveting ride we are taken on as Keanu avenges his dog. Rent it now if you're in the mood for a good shoot-em-up action flick with a high body count!

Apartment 1303 - 1/10
I hate it when movies waste my time. It's my fault though: I picked this BluRay up in a 'buy two, get one free' secondhand offer without Googling to read the IMDB review. (It has a score of 2.6/10, and for good reason.) This was purported to be a horror, but the only things that were scary, were the acting and the storyline. They didn't explain the backgorund to the apartment's haunting, and there were no twists. Avoid this one like the plague.

 

[nanoboy]

Welcome to the Jungle - 2/10
This was another 'buy two get a third free' BluRay deal, and again I was punished for not checking the IMDB rating beforehand. I just saw Jean claude Van Damme in it plus Lizzie from 'The Blacklist' and it was a done deal. What I soon learnt was that this purported comedy was just a nonsensical collection of barely coherent and unfunny scenes. I like the premise of office staff going on a retreat to a remote island for a weekend, but I just can't see them being flown from America in a turbo-prop cargo aircraft to a tiger-infested tropical island! I miss Van Damme of old. If anyone gives you this DVD/BluRay, use the disc as a frisbee.

The Maze Runner - 8/10
You know what? I expected this flick to be similar to Hunger Games on the lameness scale, but I really enjoyed it! Now, you must keep in mind that I am a huge fan of the TV series LOST, and this movie was in that genre. The movie does not have opening credits and starts with the protagonist being deposited in a walled-off commune inhabited by only teenage boys. Before you smirk and dismiss this movie, note that the lack of females added to the mystery. Why can't the boys remember how they got there? What's their purpose? Why is there a labyrinth beyond the four walls? Where exactly are they? In the future? On a different planet? Thankfully everything is explained at the end of the movie, but you are left even more intrigued by the twists and turns. I'm definitely looking forward to Part 2.

 

[Chlidonias]

After Earth

Why does everyone in the future seem to have a weird accent that sounds like an amalgamation of a Southern drawl, Afrikaans, and Cockney? (Think Jodie Foster's accent in Elysium.)

Anyway, annoying accents aside, there were 2 actors in this film: Will Smith, and his son. If you are turned off already, then the plot won't bring you back either.

Basically it's set in a future where earth is uninhabited by humans because they all fled the planet hundreds of years prior after human-exterminating aliens invaded. Will Smith and his son are on a transport space ship that crash lands on earth - Will breaks his leg and can't leave the ship, so he sends his young son on a 100km quest to retrieve an emergency beacon. For the next hour, we follow Jaiden's journey.

The acting is deliberately wooden, there aren't any humorous moments, and the father-son dynamic gets tiresome quite quickly. The CGI isn't amazing, and there are hardly any leap-out-of-your-seat moments. It's a silly movie. Avoid it.

5/10

the above quote was from July last year. I just watched this movie last night on tv and I can't believe you rated it five out of ten! It is barely even worth one out of ten!

The CGI is not good, and the accents the actors put on are just horrible, randomly coming and going or changing into something totally different every few scenes. The acting is painful to watch - I can only assume Will Smith checked his entire personality at the door in order to let his son look good in comparison, but it does not work. I read a comment online somewhere about how Jayden Smith is so awful that he can't even play Will Smith's son believably, which is pretty much dead-accurate. His whiny voice and roaming eyebrows certainly don't help. Perhaps explaining the acting is that the movie seems to take the attitude that lacking fear makes one some sort of robot (if you have watched the movie you'll know what I mean).

The story is a muddled mess too. Humans destroyed the Earth and turned it into a toxic barren wasteland, so they left for another planet a thousand years prior to when the movie is set. And yet in just 1000 years Earth has become full of giant plants and animals, all of which "have evolved to kill humans". How, exactly? Oh, and the ship the Smith's crash on just happens to be carrying a fear-detecting monster because reasons.

(In relation to the above paragraph, nanoboy got his review slightly wrong which is understandable because he had probably started playing his gameboy by five minutes in. The humans destroyed the Earth, moved to another planet, but that planet had aliens which released the fear-monsters to kill them all. Earth and the giant animals there had nothing to do with the aliens at all. So basically the central plot of the movie had nothing really to do with the movie).