Zoo Jokes
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
A zookeeper walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The zookeeper says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," and the zookeeper reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the zookeeper and the ostrich come again and the zookeeper says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the zookeeper reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad, says the zookeeper - "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the zookeeper pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the zookeeper, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress... "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the zookeeper.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The zookeeper sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please," and the zookeeper reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the zookeeper and the ostrich come again and the zookeeper says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the zookeeper reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad, says the zookeeper - "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the zookeeper pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the zookeeper, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress... "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the zookeeper.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The zookeeper sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
mstickmanp
Well-Known Member
Great jokes, but the first one is the best...lol
I liked the second one best
Zoogoer2000
Well-Known Member
I like the first one
so the results of the survey are North Americans like the first one, Australasians like the second, and Europeans the third....maybe we need a larger sample 
dragon(ele)nerd
Well-Known Member
The are funny in the sense that some people won't get it, I think, I had to read them twice to get it,
the only animals jokes I'm accumosted to are relating animals to your momma so jokes,
the only animals jokes I'm accumosted to are relating animals to your momma so jokes,
A zoo director, during a zoo function takes his staff for a meeting near the alligator pond.. The huge pond, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The zoo director says to his staff : " I am planning on retiring and may consider recommending one of you as my successor. I think a zoo director, among other qualifications, should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me the director of this zoo. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pond, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person my job, my money, and future assistance if possible.
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the zoo director closer to the pond. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the animal management supervisor, Jim, in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted zoo director approaches the animal management supervisor and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and the position, my money, and my assistance is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." Jim, the animal management supervisor, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who pushed me into the pond!!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the zoo director closer to the pond. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the animal management supervisor, Jim, in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted zoo director approaches the animal management supervisor and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and the position, my money, and my assistance is yours. Tell me what I can do for you." Jim, the animal management supervisor, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who pushed me into the pond!!"
A zookeeper took an African Wild Dog to the zoo vet and said to him, "
This AWD is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the zoo vet "let's have a look at him"
The zoo vet picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the zoo vet "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the zookeeper.
"No, because he's heavy," says the zoo vet
This AWD is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the zoo vet "let's have a look at him"
The zoo vet picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Well," says the zoo vet "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the zookeeper.
"No, because he's heavy," says the zoo vet
A zoo had numerous break-in problems and was looking into various types of night security options - including night patrol canines.
One day, a man from a security company stopped by and demonstrated one of the attack dogs for one of the Zoo staff.
" How good are your dogs? asked the zoo official ?
" They are VERY well trained, good workers and very consistent. You won't be disappointed." Said the security man " Let me demonstrate."
The security man gets out a stuffed dummy the size of a man and set it up a short distance away.
The security man says to the dog: " Attack dog - dummy !"
The attack dog proceeds to complete tear up and destroy the stuffed dummy.
Next, the security man places a bag on the ground.
The security man says: " Attack dog, bag!"
The attack dog again proceeds to completely tear up the bag into unrecognizable pieces.
The zoo official says: "Great demo ! This could very well be the answer to this zoo's needs. Follow me, I'll take you to our zoo director"
So the zoo official, the security man and the attack dog proceed to the zoo director's office.
Now, unfortunately, the zoo director was having a VERY bad day. Everthing was going wrong and he had papers strewn all over his desk. He really didn't want to deal with anything else at that moment.
The zoo official says: " Sir , you have to check out this attack dog".
The zoo director says: "Attack dog, my foot."
One day, a man from a security company stopped by and demonstrated one of the attack dogs for one of the Zoo staff.
" How good are your dogs? asked the zoo official ?
" They are VERY well trained, good workers and very consistent. You won't be disappointed." Said the security man " Let me demonstrate."
The security man gets out a stuffed dummy the size of a man and set it up a short distance away.
The security man says to the dog: " Attack dog - dummy !"
The attack dog proceeds to complete tear up and destroy the stuffed dummy.
Next, the security man places a bag on the ground.
The security man says: " Attack dog, bag!"
The attack dog again proceeds to completely tear up the bag into unrecognizable pieces.
The zoo official says: "Great demo ! This could very well be the answer to this zoo's needs. Follow me, I'll take you to our zoo director"
So the zoo official, the security man and the attack dog proceed to the zoo director's office.
Now, unfortunately, the zoo director was having a VERY bad day. Everthing was going wrong and he had papers strewn all over his desk. He really didn't want to deal with anything else at that moment.
The zoo official says: " Sir , you have to check out this attack dog".
The zoo director says: "Attack dog, my foot."
This one is a poor effort I know:
A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.
Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.
Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.
He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.
Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.
"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.
Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.
The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.
"Hello" he says.
"Alright" say the other lions
"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion
"Not bad" say the other lions
"Food ok?" enquires the new lion
"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him to clean out the tropical fish tank.
So he is busy scrubbing the sides of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about, when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer the creature against the side of the tank.
Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, first day on the job and I've killed one of the exhibits, what am I going to do? He decides he has to get rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they will eat anything.
Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is devoured by the lions.
He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next. The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat! a lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.
Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on cleaning the cage - splat! goes another turd, and splat! another makes a direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys, killing them stone dead.
"Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, look what I've done now, what am I going to do? So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they are promptly devoured by the lions.
Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp. "Sh*t, Not Again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.
The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. He strolls into the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.
"Hello" he says.
"Alright" say the other lions
"What's it like here then?" asks the new lion
"Not bad" say the other lions
"Food ok?" enquires the new lion
"Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"
I suspect only the poms will understand that one!
dragon(ele)nerd
Well-Known Member
Strange, yet interesting, what actaully makes one place a zooligical garden, perhaps its just a place where wild animals are held in enclosures,
taun
Well-Known Member
I think they did, suprised really as its quite an old joke in the UK at least.