I just got back from watching
The Expendables 2.
Hmmmm, where to start.....?
The first movie was kind of fun, pretty stupid of course, and it was really little more than an excuse for Stallone to try and make Statham into his replacement action star, but there was some satisfaction in watching the 80s heroes teaming up. So, stupid but fun. The sequel is just stupid; no fun. Unless you consider ill-timed and badly-written jokes as fun.
The opening sequence of the movie is set in Nepal. A Chinese businessman has been kidnapped so Schwarzenegger had been sent in to rescue him, because when you want to take on the entire Nepalese militia who better for the job than a 70 year old? I suppose. Anyway, Stallone and his lot also turn up and save the day because apparently Schwarzenegger sucks. Then it moves on to the main plot. At least I think there was a plot: it would have been easier to tell if I had been able to understand more than 5% of what Stallone was saying. I mean, seriously,
enunciate!!! Christian Bale wouldn’t be able to understand what Stallone was saying through most of this movie! Bruce Willis (outshining most of the cast) sends Stallone
et al to find a downed plane which contains a safe which contains a computer which contains a map to a secret mine. Everybody wants this map, although I’m not quite sure why because apparently nobody seems to actually need the map to find it. Then the movie turns into Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom, with all the local villagers being used as slave labour to dig for sacred stones – sorry, canisters of plutonium. Just to drive the point home, Jason Statham’s fight with Scott Adkins ends with the latter going head-first into a helicopter’s propellers. Schwarzenegger returns (he says “I’m back!” and in case you missed that he used to be the Terminator there are also a dozen other references through the movie), but he returns in the tunnel-boring machine from Total Recall. It’s just that kind of movie. I guess they saved the day, I’m not sure. There was lots of gunfire if that matters. Fortunately Stallone kept his wits about him enough as screen-writer to ensure he ended the movie in the lamest way possible, just so you would think the rest of the movie was good.
So, on to the cast. The good guys:
*
Sylvester Stallone I have to say still suits up believably well as an action star. He certainly doesn’t look his age, and you do believe he could kick your arse into next week. Just don’t expect to know what he’s saying while he does it.
*
Arnold Schwarzenegger looks more like your senile doddery old Grandpa than anything, but once he’s got a gun in his hands at the end he, well, looks like your senile doddery old Grandpa with a gun. Scary.
*
Bruce Willis. You know, its funny, Bruce started out as a comedian and it wasn’t till Die Hard that he became an action star. Now you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who thinks of him as anything else but an action star. And he can still pull it off well. Willis and Schwarzenegger together with machine-guns blowing away the bad guys makes this movie worth seeing even if it is a crap movie.
*
Dolph Lundgren just resembles some weird science experiment gone wrong from a 60s horror movie. Schwarzenegger even calls him “Frankenstein” at one point, which is spot-on.
*
Jason Statham and Stallone once again fill most of the screen time. Ever notice how their surnames have the same first three letters? Weird.
*
Terry Crews is back: you know, you’re favourite action star from....er, Everybody Hates Chris...? He has big arms.
*
Randy Couture is in there although Heavens knows why because he doesn’t seem to do anything and half the time I thought he was Jason Statham.
*
Jet Li is brilliant....for the ten minutes he was in the movie!!! Honestly, the movie has barely started and Jet Li just leaves! What’s up with that?!
*
Nan Yu. Jet Li’s replacement. Bad actor. Likes Stallone’s character even though he is 150 years older. Oh, I guess I should mention that Nan Yu is a girl.
*
Liam Hemsworth. He’s the brother of Chris Hemsworth from Thor. At the start of the movie he says he is in love with a French girl and he wants to leave the unit to marry her. Guess who dies soon after......
*
Chuck Norris, looking curiously like the aging love-child between a chipmunk and Wilson from Home Improvement, appears to have been slotted into the movie simply to be the butt of Chuck Norris jokes. “I heard you were bitten by a king cobra,” says Stallone. “I was. And after four days of agonising pain, the cobra died,” replies Chuck Norris. I’m surprised they didn’t have a CGI fist come out of his beard to punch someone’s head off.
*honourary mention to
Charisma Carpenter, Statham’s girlfriend who is in the movie for three minutes. She looks even better now than she did in her Buffy and Angel days.
And the bad guys:
*
Jean-Claude Van Damme. He’s the villain. His name is Vilain. Moving on....
*
Scott Adkins is Van Damme’s side-kick (pun intended). He is easily defeated by Jason Statham in a very short and boring fight, although in real life Adkins would hand Statham’s arse to him on a plate and make him eat it. If you don’t know who Scott Adkins is, watch the following youtube video of clips from Undisputed 2 and 3. Warning: do not expect this level of martial arts action from The Expendables 2!!